my kryptonite

i woke smelling fresh air that had forced its way through the cracks of my vintage apartment. several days of hard rain is being steamed out of the grass by unexpected sun, and the wind is just wild enough to be thrilling. trees are tossing gusts of cool humidity into the sky. sitting in a kitchen sunbeam, it's almost too hot for tea, but it tastes good anyway. today feels alive and hopeful. i can almost forget that i'm losing my hair and my job.

two weeks ago, the day i dreaded came and went; the little company where i've been working went belly up¹. as i listened to the heartbroken owner, i couldn't stop shaking. my hands, my legs, my jaw--vibrating like a Magic Fingers bed. i had to wrap my arms around my legs just to hold myself together. 

i couldn't eat. i'm the hungriest person of all time, and i couldn't get anything down. i lost two pounds in 24 hours. i couldn't sleep. i tossed around sweaty and tense with dread hanging over me like the Death Star. 

looking for a job is my kryptonite.

if stress couldn't explain before why my hair has lost its will to live, it probably can now. 

but...thanks to the support and prayers of my awesome friends, i have been living large for weeks now--eating and sleeping like i just don't care. i am absolutely uncertain about what lies ahead for me in four months time, but then, we're really all in that place together. anything can happen. 

something definitely will.

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^{1. [They have kindly given me 4 months notice.]↩}