yet here i am at the edge. i am getting ready to go over into, what is for me, uncharted territory. the shadowlands. i feel calm, so unlike the panic i felt four months ago, so unlike me. as one old friend said, commenting on my massively unusual peace, "you're under grace." i am under SO much grace; it's like a blanket that's heavy in the best way, secure around me as my mind fusses and fights, wondering endlessly if i'll be able to stay, if i'll succeed.
surprisingly, the process of facing unemployment has had many positive outcomes:
i have been saying "yes" more. rather than putting off things i want to do, i have been living more like i might not have the same opportunities again. that means spending time with people, volunteering for a JET orientation, and going on a "jobsearch-free" vacation with my mom next week.
i have become aware of how selfishly i spend my time. all those evenings knitting in front of the tv. i could have spent at least one here and there doing something for someone else, and now i want to. feeling an urgent need for something has made me want to answer a need in return.
i have come closer to opening an etsy store in two months than i have come in four years of wanting to. making creative decisions and sewing beautiful things has balanced the eye-stabbing misery of pouring monumental energy, time, and passion into resumes that receive nothing but automated responses, while continuing to work full time. i will soon be unemployed and will simultaneously open my first business. what timing!
for months i have been wrapped in prayer by people far and wide. i'm certain that is why i'm not having a nervous breakdown right now. i have prayed from the beginning, "God, let me trust you." step by step, interesting doors have been opening. now i'm at the end of solid ground, and i'm stepping over the precipice, trusting the path i cannot see will be firm beneath my feet.
