last week, after a year an a half of looking for work, a year of being mostly unemployed, and three more unanswered resume submissions, i reached a point i've never reached in my life. it wasn't avoidance or procrastination. i didn't feel depressed or sad or at the end of my rope emotionally. i was just done. done done done. after a seemingly interminable period of struggle and great weariness, my ability to continue came to a sudden, sharp end. i simply couldn't make myself do any more.
fortunate, then, that i had an upcoming interview with whole foods. though it felt like a last-ditch effort, a bandaid on a bullet wound, it is literally the only door that has opened. so i move forward willingly, gratefully into a new reality.
though it's not what i dreamed for my next step, i take comfort in simple details: no getting up before 6 a.m., a two mile commute, wearing what i want, a discount on fabulous food, time to work on my own stuff, new friendships, health insurance...and best of all, i can QUIT LOOKING!
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
laryn-job-itis
the day i received my final unemployment check, i also got a job offer. it was the day after my birthday. i clicked my heels together and marveled at the timing. i thanked God, drank margaritas with friends, and felt like i could start living my life again.
i had shown up for the interview exactly on time, harried from unexpected midday traffic that had eaten up my thirty-minute punctuality buffer, so i forgot to turn off my turn-by-turn directions app. as I opened the door to the silent office and stepped inside, a disembodied voice spoke from my pocket, "You have arrived!"
i had arrived. or so i believed. though i was closing in on another job, one i would probably have enjoyed more, it also paid a less and had an irregular schedule. so i took the first offer and assumed that was it.
that wasn't it, though.
in a mere six weeks, my job was changed so i was no longer qualified, and i was dumped, stunned, back into unemployment. so here i am again, weltering away. employment made me realize a few things about unemployment, and that's what i'd like to share.
though i don't believe what we do for work is necessarily who we are or that it should measure our value, being unemployed made me feel deeply invalid. i felt like someone might stop me in a store or a restaurant and rightly question what i was doing there. "lauren, don't you know, you could run out of money. what on earth are you doing buying a coffee?" the day i got a job, i heaved a massive internal sigh of relief. suddenly i was valid again. suddenly i could afford to splurge on lunch, or have car trouble, or go to the doctor.
unemployment made my voice feel smaller, strangled, almost silent. when i met someone new and they asked what i do, i felt trapped. how do i prove that i'm worth something when i don't have an answer? should i skirt the truth or tell it? without fail, telling the truth results in a conversation about your search, which, after any amount of time, just suuuuucks. the last thing i want is to spitball with a stranger about finding jobs. have i thought of every good idea in the world? no, surely not. but i have been doing this search thing for a year now, and i will be shocked if your 20-second solution blows any doors open.
do i sound bitter? i am, a little. if you genuinely want to help, invite me to have coffee (offer to pay; i'll love you for it) and say you'd love to see if we can come up with any new ideas together. if you're not ready to do that, simply express your utter dismay and change the topic. let's talk about the atomic structure of diamonds, cultivating topiaries, BuzzFeed videos, anything. i love when someone genuinely wants to help, but drive-by "help" usually just hurts.
sometimes people treat you like you just casually dropped your STI into conversation; they're eyeing you, deciding if you did something to deserve it. struggling to feel your own worth and then feeling like you have to prove it to someone else, constantly, is doubly depressing. and you are having to prove it, daily, in every cover letter and resume. i'm so weary of explaining and cataloguing my value for someone else; i just want to be me and quit trying to define me.
so the route i take now is not a bad one: i'm focusing on the positive. i tell people what i do (make underwear, whee!), and skip over what i don't do, which is support myself. :) somehow being brought back to this place the second time has been good for me; my voice has returned, and i plan to use it.
i had shown up for the interview exactly on time, harried from unexpected midday traffic that had eaten up my thirty-minute punctuality buffer, so i forgot to turn off my turn-by-turn directions app. as I opened the door to the silent office and stepped inside, a disembodied voice spoke from my pocket, "You have arrived!"
i had arrived. or so i believed. though i was closing in on another job, one i would probably have enjoyed more, it also paid a less and had an irregular schedule. so i took the first offer and assumed that was it.
that wasn't it, though.
in a mere six weeks, my job was changed so i was no longer qualified, and i was dumped, stunned, back into unemployment. so here i am again, weltering away. employment made me realize a few things about unemployment, and that's what i'd like to share.
though i don't believe what we do for work is necessarily who we are or that it should measure our value, being unemployed made me feel deeply invalid. i felt like someone might stop me in a store or a restaurant and rightly question what i was doing there. "lauren, don't you know, you could run out of money. what on earth are you doing buying a coffee?" the day i got a job, i heaved a massive internal sigh of relief. suddenly i was valid again. suddenly i could afford to splurge on lunch, or have car trouble, or go to the doctor.
unemployment made my voice feel smaller, strangled, almost silent. when i met someone new and they asked what i do, i felt trapped. how do i prove that i'm worth something when i don't have an answer? should i skirt the truth or tell it? without fail, telling the truth results in a conversation about your search, which, after any amount of time, just suuuuucks. the last thing i want is to spitball with a stranger about finding jobs. have i thought of every good idea in the world? no, surely not. but i have been doing this search thing for a year now, and i will be shocked if your 20-second solution blows any doors open.
do i sound bitter? i am, a little. if you genuinely want to help, invite me to have coffee (offer to pay; i'll love you for it) and say you'd love to see if we can come up with any new ideas together. if you're not ready to do that, simply express your utter dismay and change the topic. let's talk about the atomic structure of diamonds, cultivating topiaries, BuzzFeed videos, anything. i love when someone genuinely wants to help, but drive-by "help" usually just hurts.
sometimes people treat you like you just casually dropped your STI into conversation; they're eyeing you, deciding if you did something to deserve it. struggling to feel your own worth and then feeling like you have to prove it to someone else, constantly, is doubly depressing. and you are having to prove it, daily, in every cover letter and resume. i'm so weary of explaining and cataloguing my value for someone else; i just want to be me and quit trying to define me.
so the route i take now is not a bad one: i'm focusing on the positive. i tell people what i do (make underwear, whee!), and skip over what i don't do, which is support myself. :) somehow being brought back to this place the second time has been good for me; my voice has returned, and i plan to use it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)