hello.
i'm reading a book called Storyline, which is about figuring out and living your best story. it couldn't be better timing for me; i've been trying to figure out my direction since i finished college, ugh, twelve years ago! i've had some opportunities little kid Lauren never would've imagined, but i feel like i'm wasting my strengths, and that drives me crazy. i'm a little proud, too. i was the "smart one" all through school, and now i'm humbled, humiliated even, by my own aimlessness.

how can i not have a dream? one vivid, undeniable dream? my original plan was to get a master's in art and become a professor, but i got stuck. painting didn't feel sustainable; it required blood. it never gave me anything back until i had finished. it was hours of doubts clutching at my throat, and i stabbed and stabbed with my brush until i finally had them on the run again.

printmaking turned out to be a place i found freedom from the doubts. there was so much process involved. i could lose myself in the details; that's all i really want to do. why didn't i study printmaking? hell, now i don't know. why not writing? i mean, this is the most fun i've had all week.

[short recess for a dance party to Low. killer bass.]

the one thing i did know when i left japan was that i wanted to move to california; it just felt like the place for me. north or south? i didn't really care, i just didn't want to be cold all of the time. i actually never thought i would make it; i'm not a risk taker. haha! two people have said to me in the last week, "i'm not a risk-taker like you," and i just have a big internal cackle. if you consider moving to japan alone without knowing the language a risk...well, i guess it did require some courage, but it wasn't a risk. i had a job and a place to live waiting for me.

this was a risk: moving my entire life to california on the promise of 6 months of part time work. it felt like my one chance, though. i had to try. i don't think it's an accident that i'm here. there is so much going on in this area that it blows my mind. i mean, so much i'm actually interested in. i would have liked more than a year to get my feet on the ground, but i believe in God's Perfect Timing. i don't think that means it will be easy or even that it will end up how i want, but when i got past crisis mode (three days ago?), i started to, like, enjoy the adventure of it. isn't that insane?

i lost my job at the perfect time; i just don't know what it's perfect for yet.