hello.
i'm reading a book called Storyline, which is about figuring out and living your best story. it couldn't be better timing for me; i've been trying to figure out my direction since i finished college, ugh, twelve years ago! i've had some opportunities little kid Lauren never would've imagined, but i feel like i'm wasting my strengths, and that drives me crazy. i'm a little proud, too. i was the "smart one" all through school, and now i'm humbled, humiliated even, by my own aimlessness.

how can i not have a dream? one vivid, undeniable dream? my original plan was to get a master's in art and become a professor, but i got stuck. painting didn't feel sustainable; it required blood. it never gave me anything back until i had finished. it was hours of doubts clutching at my throat, and i stabbed and stabbed with my brush until i finally had them on the run again.

printmaking turned out to be a place i found freedom from the doubts. there was so much process involved. i could lose myself in the details; that's all i really want to do. why didn't i study printmaking? hell, now i don't know. why not writing? i mean, this is the most fun i've had all week.

[short recess for a dance party to Low. killer bass.]

the one thing i did know when i left japan was that i wanted to move to california; it just felt like the place for me. north or south? i didn't really care, i just didn't want to be cold all of the time. i actually never thought i would make it; i'm not a risk taker. haha! two people have said to me in the last week, "i'm not a risk-taker like you," and i just have a big internal cackle. if you consider moving to japan alone without knowing the language a risk...well, i guess it did require some courage, but it wasn't a risk. i had a job and a place to live waiting for me.

this was a risk: moving my entire life to california on the promise of 6 months of part time work. it felt like my one chance, though. i had to try. i don't think it's an accident that i'm here. there is so much going on in this area that it blows my mind. i mean, so much i'm actually interested in. i would have liked more than a year to get my feet on the ground, but i believe in God's Perfect Timing. i don't think that means it will be easy or even that it will end up how i want, but when i got past crisis mode (three days ago?), i started to, like, enjoy the adventure of it. isn't that insane?

i lost my job at the perfect time; i just don't know what it's perfect for yet.

my kryptonite

i woke smelling fresh air that had forced its way through the cracks of my vintage apartment. several days of hard rain is being steamed out of the grass by unexpected sun, and the wind is just wild enough to be thrilling. trees are tossing gusts of cool humidity into the sky. sitting in a kitchen sunbeam, it's almost too hot for tea, but it tastes good anyway. today feels alive and hopeful. i can almost forget that i'm losing my hair and my job.

two weeks ago, the day i dreaded came and went; the little company where i've been working went belly up¹. as i listened to the heartbroken owner, i couldn't stop shaking. my hands, my legs, my jaw--vibrating like a Magic Fingers bed. i had to wrap my arms around my legs just to hold myself together. 

i couldn't eat. i'm the hungriest person of all time, and i couldn't get anything down. i lost two pounds in 24 hours. i couldn't sleep. i tossed around sweaty and tense with dread hanging over me like the Death Star. 

looking for a job is my kryptonite.

if stress couldn't explain before why my hair has lost its will to live, it probably can now. 

but...thanks to the support and prayers of my awesome friends, i have been living large for weeks now--eating and sleeping like i just don't care. i am absolutely uncertain about what lies ahead for me in four months time, but then, we're really all in that place together. anything can happen. 

something definitely will.

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^{1. [They have kindly given me 4 months notice.]↩}